THAT problem

So last night was THAT date where THAT thing happens and after a nice dinner and chat it, in fact, did. As is typical with most men after they do THAT thing they fall immediately asleep which is fine because worse is when they prefer to leave, hate to eat and run, as it were, so I personally like a little company and it’s in general a good sign. Or just a tired person but I like to go with the good sign thing.

The only problem is when they fall heavily asleep and start to snore. Not mee mee mee snoring but 76 TROMBONES IN THE BIG PARADE kind of snoring. Most men say, well just turn me over, as though my less than 110 pounds is going to roll over a 180 plus pound man. Think elm tree falls on chihuahua and the dog wins. Now I’ve been married and most have-been-married or living-in-a-relationship men are somewhat subliminally trained to roll over if poked or elbowed, ever so gently of course, over the course of time as they are somewhat trained to stay on one side of the bed. Men who are never been married are less inclined toward that and therefore harder to move. What do you do? Or worse, when you get them to roll they’re still snoring away. It’s not their fault and yet as you’re laying there wishing they would die or at least go home what can you do? This is really a question. If you have the answer, please chime in.

Worse, usually snorers have sleep apnea, I guess we all do a little, but when there’s constant music and then it stops and you’re grouchy and tired and it’s 4am you start to wonder, shit, what if this guy dies? And that’s when you realize you don’t even know his last name. It’s not that you’ve rushed to THAT date and THAT thing but you’ve gotten along so great talking talking talking that it never came up. You know where he lives and what he does but somehow this fact just never came up. So you begin to imagine having to call emergency services and having them take the body out and the cops saying to you who is this and all you have to say is John I don’t know his last name because in your panic of having a snoring guy die in your bed you haven’t had the presence of mind to check his wallet. And the cops look at you like some unpaid hooker and you try to explain but they really don’t care and you think, is this really my life?

Finally at the crack of dawn the realization comes that if any sleep is to be had the couch is starting to look really good so I gave into it. The problem is the dog thinks her day has come so she hops up on it to join in a nap and I was too tired to argue so Ilet her. The problem is she snores….

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