I’ve Never Run a Marathon

When did sex become a marathon? I don’t remember in my youth that it was an endurance exercise. Is this me getting old (yes) or is it guys with bigger head trips about ‘ending’ (yes) or is it the viagra at work and work and work (yes yes yes).

Now I take direction as well as the next person (lie) but I do try to please my partner and instruction is a useful thing, especially at the outset because let’s face it we all have our, “this works for me”, type things and how would someone know unless you tell them or you’ve been married for 20 years [and even then]. By the time you hit 50 your list is pretty well set and sometimes extremely long so it’s useful to all parties to just say what works and cut to the chase. Saves time and a lot of post coital ice chewing. I had a lover once taught me the value of that and I also had to learn when he said I need this, he meant NOW. It wasn’t like walking past a jewelry store and saying to someone, gosh I like rubies, in the hopes that they would store that information away and get you some in 3 months for Christmas. In sex it means “buy me those THIS VERY SECOND”. So ok, an old dog can learn new tricks and I’m all over that. So armed with that information it’s nice to – well you know – put your arm there, move your hand here, touch my …..well you get the idea. But after a solid 45 minutes of instruction because the viagra is preventing anything from really working, it gets a little, I don’t know, I hate to use the adjective ‘old’ here, but maybe a more apt word is, exhausting. Think a back seat driver on cocaine.

Sometimes, after a while, it’s, ok, are we done here yet? I will not only do and say anything you want I will pay you to finish off so I can go to sleep with a clear conscience and my parts still intact. Do you take credit cards?

I was recently with someone who was kind of in the hard to please category and at one point looked over onto the night table and on it there was a yellow iphone. I was thinking, is that my iphone? I have a yellow iphone. I think mine is downstairs. Could he also have a yellow iphone? What man has a yellow iphone? I mean I bought my yellow cover because it was the last one in the store – I wouldn’t have CHOSEN yellow. I have a white car for the same reason, although white is fine. But were there chances that he also took the last case from the store and it was yellow? I guess yellow gets picked last because really it’s kind of banana looking and who wants that? Sometimes you see those banana yellow cars go by and you think, boy that’s unfortunate. Did they win it on a game show? But what are the chances 2 iphones same garish color? Still, I’m pretty sure mine is downstairs.

Oh, I’m sorry, were you saying something? You want what? Are we not done here yet? How is that possible? Did you take a viagra and by the way, who thought purple was a good color for that? I guess the thought was one wouldn’t mix them up with something else because there probably aren’t too many antibiotics that are purple. Imagine, you think you’ve got a big night ahead and all you end up with is a very bacteria free system.
What? You need me to what? Again?

I think your phone is ringing. Or maybe my phone is ringing. Someone is dropping by. We should stop because someone is coming. No one in this room but, what do you say?


2 thoughts on “I’ve Never Run a Marathon

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