Forethought or Foreplay?

Women, because they discuss everything to death and back again (see Dave Barry “She Drives for a Relationship : “The next day [she] calls all her best friends and talks about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail they analyze everything she said and everything he said, considering every possible ramification. They continue to discuss this subject off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions.”) we assume men do too. But they don’t. Men are not manipulative, not because they’re such
altruistic creatures they just can’t adhere to that much planning or forethought.

I’ve had this experience with more than one guy, and this was substantiated by not only friends’ experiences but an article in the Times and if that’s not validation I don’t know what is. Here’s how it goes: They meet you, they get excited. Lots of texts daily. Date follows date with phone calls and more dates. You get to THAT date. And then you get there again and again a few times. Then they get busy. Then the daily texts stop and there’s a vague
mention of something this weekend. Then a family member has a forgotten birthday that weekend and the texts stop. It all stops. And when you say, “hey, where’d you go” there’s the inevitable, I don’t think I can get into a relationship at this time. I’m having money/work/kid/time issues. You’re not the one for me. I didn’t mean to mislead you. You seem like you want something¬†more (because you returned MY enthusiasm with YOUR enthusiasm but because you’re a woman YOUR enthusiasm must mean you want to tie me down.) And I think, in general, they DON’T mean to mislead and they CERTAINLY don’t want to be a bad guy they just didn’t think it through beforehand.

There are 2 things are work here.

One I call it the fade away jump shot syndrome. Dribble dribble dribble run run dribble dribble, down the court, set the shot, shoot, SCORE, fade away.

This from Wikipedia:
“A fadeaway jump shot taken while jumping backwards. The goal is to create space between the shooter and the defender, making it much harder to block. However, this benefit comes with a drawback. The shooter must have very good accuracy in a relatively short amount of time. The naturally lower shooting percentage and inability of the shooter to be able to get his own rebound lead many to believe it is one of the worst shots in the game to take. However, once mastered, it is one of the hardest for defenders to block.”

I think that sums it up.

The other factor is it’s part of the guy genetic programming thing; he sees the mastodon, he pursues the mastodon, he conquers the mastodon. Family has mastodon burgers for the week. But that doesn’t keep it from being annoying in the day and age of D’Agostino’s supermarkets. It’s disappointing and each time you fall for it you ask yourself, did I really think this guy was going to be different?

Ok, so far, sob story. I’m not about sob stories, so you know this is going somewhere.

I once met a guy …… no kidding.

I didn’t think this guy was prodding or poking for information until later, in retrospect, I think this one time was actually a man with forethought; one who had a plan. You decide.

I’m having dinner with a guy off the internet. Shocking, I know. First date. It’s going ok and start trading dating stories a little. Harmless fun, you know. He relates this story about a woman friend he has, she’s dating a guy who’s pretty high up in a large company. They’re going out for a few years, around 2 or so and they’ve travelled and been together a lot and she falls in love with this guy and they seem great. Gets to an evening when she’s pretty
sure he’s going to pop the question, I don’t know how she knows in advance. I thought my boyfriend turned husband turned ex was going to pop the question a few times before he did and was never right, but let’s just say she’s more intuitive than I was.

So she gets to his place, candles on the table, flowers, romance in cutlery and at one point during dinner he says, I have something important to ask you but first I want to tell you something because it got in the way of my first marriage and I don’t want to do that again. Ok, little bells and a few red flags go up but what can it be, she knows this guy pretty well. Well enough to want to marry. But ok, what is it? He says, I’m going to show you. He
disappears into the bedroom ….. STOP.

She doesn’t get any demerits for now seeing what was coming because you think you know where this is going but trust me, you don’t.

He comes back out dressed in a diaper and with baby stuff. He says I have a baby fetish or obsession or however you explain that. Now a little mothering can be cute and breast feeding could even be sexy if you spin it in the right direction but he’s talking being in a diaper, using a diaper, being cleaned up from a diaper, and that, my friends, is pretty hard to spin in any way shape or form. I mean that’s what your 90s are for, do we really need to go there in our 50s?

So she’s not so much disgusted as angry not at the broken engagement-to-be, not at the fact that he has a festish. Rather what gets her is ‘You wasted TWO FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE!!!’ I mean in your 20s you meet a guy, you date for 2 years it doesn’t work out, so what, now you’re, what, maybe 25? Two years have passed, move on. You meet a guy when you’re 49, you date for 2 years now you’re 51. A portion of your remaining days have passed – do you not know how valuable that is! Are you kidding me?

I believe it’d be accurate to surmise, they never got to dessert.

I heard this story. I laughed. I made the appropriate Oh My God really comments because, OMG Really? plus he was telling me the story in the spirit of Can you believe this guy?

But here’s where the reflection came in. You know the old “I have a friend…” line. What if this was HIS story? I mean there’s the possibility I could have said “Well that’s not so bad, what’s a little indulgence?” We could be married by now. Could he have been that cagey to set it up, scope out my reaction? I never did hear from him again. It sets one thinking. At least he spared me 2 years of my life and a closet full of Depends. I’m sure I’ll get to the latter eventually but for now, I’ll settle for basketball.

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