Ain’t Science Wonnerful?

I read an article the other day about a mouse whom had a human foreskin sewn onto him and they were growing hair on it.  What’s funny is the thought that I have just paid about 5,000$ to have the hair burned off my legs and I’d pay another 5,000$ to have it thickened up on my head so the thought of a mouse with a dick on his back sprouting hair must hold some irony which escapes my ability to vocalize. However I think if anyone considers it for not too long, it’s apparent the joke  looms large.  The test was to grow hair on something which normally didn’t have hair on it and I think they pretty much nailed it with the foreskin.  I don’t know, there might be some women out there who have experienced otherwise but I’m guessing they checked this one for follicles just in case.

So why in this world of perpetual hair removal, from the time you’re about 15 until the time when you run around trying to keep it on your head, is there not some equal balance in the world. For example, for you each one you remove another pops up in a place where there are already some wanted (eg you pluck an eyebrow a hair grows on your head) and in the process of elimination we would end up with hair where we wanted it. 

Or, the larger question is, what is hair really for?  There’s the heat factor. And there’s the to direct fluids, sweat etc away from the skin because I’m pretty sure my underarms don’t need warmth.  So those are two pretty basic functions of hair. Cosmetically it’s an indication of health – a good swath of healthy shiny hair is usually indicative of good health, ditto on the chompers but barring passing on good genes, that’s more cultural than genetic survival I suspect. So the pretty people with better health and good hair find mates and pass those genes on.  Ok.

But back to the sweat and warmth thing because this is what I don’t get….as you get older do you not need warmth? Do you stop sweating?  Have you not met a woman in her fifties in the throws of menopause?  Is evolution just telling you to hitch a ride on the next ice floe because you’re going to freeze to death or pollute yourself with your own body fluids anyway? If good hair equals good health is less good hair a quick stairway to heaven? I know bald people who are healthy. I think they’re healthy. If hair growing out of noses or ears is in direct proportion to hair loss on you head, it goes back to the lost-one-grow-one equation but it also goes back to what’s the purpose? Does your nose need warmth? I’ve seen people sprout it on the top of the schnoz so it’s not just inside. Maybe it’s for keeping things out. Maybe older people need more help keeping things OUT of their noses and ears.  Like sounds and smells.  That way you can’t really hear that they’re plotting to push you off onto the nearest ice floe or smell the rat poison they’re putting in you pie because when IS that inheritance going to get to them anyway?   And if the explanation for hair in your nose and ears is to keep  stuff out, then why does it grow longer, actually sticking out, which then acts as a conduit? Does that make sense? Or is it the human body is just prepping you to be sent out on that ice floe and good luck with that.  Wrap that nose hair around your neck for warmth buddy, because it’s a long way to Russia.

And what about eyebrows? Did you see Andy Rooney before he left us? I mean it was something between an upper shelf and an umbrella for shade and he definitely didn’t have them as a young man. More curious to me was, for all the stylists they must employ at CBS did not one of them say “er, um, Mr. Rooney, we need to deal with those because the users can’t see your eyes any more”?  And he’s not alone. I see older men, mostly who between their eyebrows and their elongated ears, there’s really nothing left: kind of a shiny bald orb with 2 furry arches and elephantine protrusions sticking out. And they’re usually out looking for a young wife (and don’t get me started for when they find one and actually start a family!)

What’s even curiouser is it’s the hair which keeps growing even after you’re deceased! I mean think about it. You’ve spent a good portion of your life fighting with the stuff, coloring it, plucking it, adding it, removing it, brushing it, braiding it, rubber banding it and then life stops.  Breath stops, eyes stop, muscles stop but hair …. Keeps going.  I mean, what’s with that?  Nora Ephron once said “I think that not having to worry about your hair anymore is the secret upside of death.” But the jokes on her because it still goes on.  I think the upside of death is not having a mirror, frankly, but that could just be me.

So back to this mouse and his hairy dick.  On his back.  Does he know it’s there? He can’t lick it like most animals seem to be able to (sorry, human fellas – jokes on you there!) Does he know it has hair on it? Was it even a male mouse? I mean think about it! Maybe they chose a girl to make sure none of the natural hormones would interfere with whatever it was they poured on this poor thing.  Spend a moment rolling that thought around; there’s some little female rodent running around with her own dick but she can’t even access it! And it’s furry! It’s like reaching for your vibrator and not only finding out it’s been so long since you’ve used it that it’s grown mold on it but it’s just outside your reach. Every time you reach for it, it just rolls away one more inch out of reach.  It is there but not there…tantalizing but … maybe not really.  (Kind of like when you’re ready for it and you hit the ‘go’ switch and nothing happens, dead batteries.  It’s SO frustrating — um, I mean that’s what I’ve heard.)  I mean if my vibrator was covered in something soft and downy I’m not sure the tantalizing factor would be very high but then again I’m not a rat. I don’t [yet] have fur on my nose and paws and I’ve removed what I can off my hind quarters so I think we’re dealing with a different set of standards.  Slightly different anyway. 

So now does this mouse have to be concerned about trimming it so the hair doesn’t grow so long it falls into his/her eyes? Does Mini Mouse need to worry about a comb-over? What about grays? Can’t you just hear it, you see, I never wanted to grow hair on my pecker because I was afraid it would grow in gray and now what am I supposed to do? There’s Betty Beauty{TM} I suppose but really? The curtains have to match….uh….the curtains?

So now that we have a mouse with a furry appendage, or perhaps his second furry appendage, will all those guys on the online site be able to take off their baseball caps? Or do the caps stay on but the pants come down because while they seemed to have created every mohel’s nightmare it doesn’t yet prove that Mr. Clean can grow a pony tail and go join a grunge band.

 

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