I tried delineating what I am looking for and thus far, it hasn’t worked very well. I’m trying another strategy, what I’m NOT looking for. It’s more negative, bitchy, whatever you want to call it but it seems just so much clearer. Everyone likes to laugh, travel, intimate dinners, movies. It’s too …. just too too. So here goes:
Don’t contact me if you have small children. Infant, under 6,s are just too much work. 6-12 too much time running to soccerrecitalshebrewschoolorthdontismusiclessonsballet. 12-16 door slamming, eye rolling, exasperation. 16-18 college trips, SAT stress, more door slamming, if girls – tears. I can do from 12 on. At least with door slamming they’re out of sight and you can say, fine, I’m going out and leave them. 16-18 they still slam doors but usually on their way out of the house so you’re free to leave. Pre 12, sorry, just don’t call me.
If you’re not 5″11 or taller. We both know, less than that you’re lying anyway. That’s all I’m saying.
Don’t contact me if you’re more than 50 miles away. I’m really ok with a 100 but I assume people will just ignore and round up. People fudge stuff. It s like when my husband used to tell me he’d be ready in 5 minutes. Five minutes on Jupiter. That was 5 minutes his time = 1 hour my time. I’ll be 5 minutes meant I could settle in to the couch with a magazine to look at inane cartoons that no one finds funny or settle into an article which should be paragraphs long but goes on for 12 pages, about killer [ fill in the insect]. What’s with that? A few years ago it was the bees. They were killing dogs, going to move out from Mexico and invade every species and kill humans and it was the end of the world. I want to know where they went. This year it was killer ants. Eating electric wiring, there’s got to be some practical use for that. In the meantime, I don’t see the problem, get your belongings out of your house and burn it to the ground.
Anyway, 50 miles radius. Fifty miles earth distance. Somewhere in Idaho, don’t bother.
If you’re not between 48 and 58. Look, I know you young guys think because your girlfriend showed you what to do with your other hand during sex that now you think you’re all that, but you’re not. Nor are you doing some older woman a favor or flattery by telling her you like maturity. Guys over 58 just ask yourself, do I want to be with a woman more than 5 years my senior? It’s rough I know. A guy once said to me younger men want to sleep with older women because they find them hot. Younger women want to sleep with older men because they have daddy issues or they’re after financial security. I gave him 2 brownie points for introspection, another 2 for honesty but it still wasn’t enough points to get me into bed on the first date which was what he was after.
Don’t contact me if you’re separated, recently divorced. About 4 months after my divorce I spoke to a guy who said you’re too fresh out of it, you’re not ready. Well he got a whole ear load of “you don’t know me. You don’t know what I’m ready for or how I’ve been…..”etc, ad nauseum. I thought he was a self-righteous jerk but of course, he was right. I just recently gave someone the same lecture. And that little anecdote. I know he thought I was a self-righteous jerk but a year from now he’ll thank me. Save him the time. It’s a year minimum.
Also in your 50’s and never been married. Nearly married doesn’t count. As my shrink said Never Been, Never Gonna Be. At least not until he hits his mid 60s and realises that the great beyond isn’t that far away and who’s going to change diapers. Not the grandkids – his. Who’ll take care of him? And then, if you think he’s going to look in the 60s or even 50s pool, have another drink. That guys going to reach into the 40s. And he doesn’t care he has no hair, his abs are shot, his ears are starting that long decline into elephantine and yet hard of hearing (how’s that for irony?) he’s going to put fit and athletic as his description and he’ll find one of those daddy girls.
Don’t call me if your religion is important. I don’t care but you will. I don’t care you believe in god. I don’t. Why do you need to convert me? Save my soul? Why do you care? I like my soul just as it is. I’m a good person. I have good morals. I help people. I’m not afraid of judgment day so leave me alone. Frankly if I were you I’d let the rest of us go. I mean you want to crowd heaven? Floating around with your harp and your wings? Why would you want to traffic jam that with a bunch of reformed sinners? Let us go to hell. Literally.
You need everyone to get on your boat to substantiate what you believe? If I was sure of my belief, like I am my lack of, I’d sit back, watch the world go by and by the way… I do. I’m not telling you to try my thing on? You like boxers, I like briefs, keep them on! Why do I need to try out church? I’ve been to church. Have you been to my side of the street? I doubt it. And what’s funny is while I’m happy to be kind to you and respect your views you can’t seem to leave me alone to do the same. Not very Christian of you. Move on.
Education does not make a person smart. If you’ve completed high school or some college, don’t bother. I know that’s what Bill Gates would put but you’re not Bill Gates. I have a masters degree. MSCSIS. What’s it stand for? Who really cares?. Did getting it make me smarter? No. Did it help with my job? No. Did I learn a lot I didn’t know already? No. Am I a better person for it? No. Should you contact me if you didn’t finish a bachelors degree? No. I’ve dated PhDs, MDs, EDDs, MFAs. Were they better men? No. In fact the few PhDs were consistently the biggest assholes and one was only an honorary PhD however a full fledged asshole. So is this delineation fair? …… No. Am I sticking to it anyway? Yup. It’s not an arbitrary line in the sand. I’ve gone out with artists, bartenders, mechanics who never completed college. Nice guys. Not dumb, some more worldly than others. Still I find I have more in common with someone who had the motivation to stick out the 4 useless years of college at the expense of his parents or student loans which are still outstanding. Why is that? I don’t know. It’s just another of the world’s 7 wonders.
So here’s my anti profile;
I hate to laugh. If everyone’s so happy laughing why don’t you see more people on the street laughing to themselves. Who aren’t crazy.
I don’t own a small black dress and I don’t own tight jeans. I wear a jogging suit all day and at night I change into a jogging suit. Why not? Someone drops a dirty bomb on Manhattan and you need to run, we’ll see whose laughing then, crazy or not.
Long walks on the beach are for the birds. Literally, that’s what you see seagulls doing. Me, I bask like the sea lions. They’re cuter anyway.
I’m done traveling. I’ve traveled all over. It’s great. I speak 4 languages and now I want to sit home. I watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother. It’s a show about a guy dating lots of women looking for Mrs Right. I call it realty TV.
If everyone likes to cook do much why are the restaurants packed to the gills every night? I’ve cooked for a family. Every night. 20 years. I’m done cooking. I cook if the weathers so bad I actually feel sorry for the delivery guy who has to come out in it. I usually assuage that with a big tip. In fact I read once delivery men like bad weather because everyone compensates their guilt accordingly. Having read that was good enough for me. .
Is my cup half full? Not if I can help it. I keep that puppy as full as possible, Ketel 1 with a twist. Come on……
Favorite books? Why, you probably haven’t read them anyway. It could be Archie comics, it could be history of the world part III. When was the last time you talked in depth about a book…for real?
Movies, no, that doesn’t include sitting home and what you rent on Netflix. That’s what hermits do. If your movie list doesn’t include how much butter you put on the last popcorn you bought, just don’t.
Otherwise I’m low key, low maintenance and just a blast in the sack, isn’t that what you’re after anyway? Honesty is the best policy until someone says something that hits a little too close to home and then they’re being sassy. Me, I tend to fall into sassy. Have you noticed?